Attack of the Orange-Haired Gnomes

Written for:  Imaginary Gardens With Real Toads

Title-Tale (Poetry and Flash Fiction with Magaly)
Greetings, dear Toads.

Today’s mini-challenge is simple (and funny, I hope). The world is so gloomy right now, that most of us could probably use a laugh (or fifty). I invite you to choose one of the 13 titles below, and use it as inspiration to write a new three-stanza poem or a very short story (of 313 words or fewer). I request that you battle curiosity, and abstain from finding out anything about the actual books. Please include the chosen title, as a note, somewhere in your post.

1. Bodybuilders in Tutus and 35 Other Obscure Business-Boosting Observations, by Philipp Lomboy

2. Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas, by Blair Tolman

3. The Do It Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking, by Tom Monahan

4. Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom, by Reginald Bakeley

5. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will), by Chuck Sambuchino

6. Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery

7. Living with Crazy Buttocks, by Kaz Cooke

8. The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution, by Barbara Sherman Heyl

9. Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!, by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

10. Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts, by Donald L. Wilson

11. Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality, by Glen C. Ellenbogen

12. People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It, by Gary Leon Hill

13. Strangers Have the Best Candy, by Margaret Meps Schulte

Are you prepared? scared?
Can you defend yourself,
and survive when The Orange-
Haired Jive Gnome King
and his clones attack
from the back? Whack!

Pasty-faces blend into
landscapes. Capes adorn
their bodies to obscure
shape. Sure-footed
under veil of night,
they erect invisible
walls, while you are
out of sight.

Only one way to avoid
these right-shoed menaces.
Douse your garden with I.M.
Peach juice. They will run
in fright from even
a mere scent of peach.
Be ready, rock steady–
oust these pests from your garden.

About purplepeninportland

I am a freelance poet, born and bred in Brooklyn, New York. I live with my husband, John, and two charming rescue dogs–Marion Miller and Murphy. We spent eight lovely years in Portland, OR, but are now back in New York. My goal is to create and share poetry with others who write, or simply enjoy reading poetry. I hope to touch a nerve in you, and feel your sparks as well.
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13 Responses to Attack of the Orange-Haired Gnomes

  1. frankhubeny says:

    There are a lot of good titles in that list to choose from. I wish I wrote some of those books. That wall of invisibility has kept those gnomes out of my sight.


  2. Sherry Marr says:

    I love the whole idea of the orange haired gnome. This was delightful to read.


  3. Ha, anything orange sounds bad these days.


  4. I too love the idea of an orange haired gnome 😀 This is absolutely magical!❤️


  5. I love that this sounds like an infomercial in my head, especially after the “Whack!” Those orange haired gnomes don’t stand a chance. 😀


  6. Kerry O'Connor says:

    I fear these right-shoed menaces!


  7. Loving this fun!

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.