Written for: Friday Writings #25 - Let's Rewrite
(posted by Magaly)
"I would like you to take a poem or story you wrote many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it. Please post both the original and the edited versions."
New
Alone, glowing
on top shelf,
a crystal blue
dream holder.
Stars of ice
drift, some
stopping on
fir tree branches
like silver garland
topping. Fine layer
of white sand
grounds bottom
where green sea
peaks through. All
dreams are looked
upon fondly by
a smiling moon.
OldIn My Dream Jar
Posted on October 28, 2015 by purplepeninportland
Written for: Margo Roby’s Poem Tryouts, “If You Could Imagine Day”
Say we live in a time where you can order your own pillar of setting. What would you choose to have depicted in your pillar?
Or, if you want to feel cosier about it, how about a jar you can place on a shelf.
Center stage–sand and ocean
in constant motion. Moon’s face
winking among abstract
configuration of shimmering
stars, above. On lower
level, sunflowers bowing
in bloom. To round out
my dream jar, a border
of lilac feathers floating.
https://poetsandstorytellersunited.blogspot.com/
I am a freelance poet, born and bred in Brooklyn, New York. I live with my husband, John, and two charming rescue dogs–Marion Miller and Murphy. We spent eight lovely years in Portland, OR, but are now back in New York.
My goal is to create and share poetry with others
who write, or simply enjoy reading poetry. I hope to touch a nerve
in you, and feel your sparks as well.
The first one is good The second one great with some beautiful lines like ‘Moon’s face
winking among abstract configuration of shimmering stars, above’
So interesting, what this exercise is producing. Your original poem is very visual and engaging; your new one is a delight, quite magical, with its lovely phrases clarifying the beauty of the jar.
You have a beautiful nightscape in that jar!
The original is a little concise (not that it’s bad) but the rewrite gives us more details and colors, giving it an extra “oomph”.
I wrote something like that many years ago, about a view from inside a jar. Now if only i can find that poem. 🙂
purplepeninportland 
The first one is good The second one great with some beautiful lines like ‘Moon’s face
winking among abstract configuration of shimmering stars, above’
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Thanks, Marja!
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I like the new version a lot more. A delightful poem. MB
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Thanks, Mike. I like the new one much better.
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So interesting, what this exercise is producing. Your original poem is very visual and engaging; your new one is a delight, quite magical, with its lovely phrases clarifying the beauty of the jar.
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Thanks, Rosemary!
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I love the rewrite, Sara, esp., Stars of ice
drift, some
stopping on
fir tree branches
like silver garland
topping.
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Thanks, Debi!
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I like both poems, the images and emotions each brings to me.
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Thanks so much, Su-sieee! Mac!
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I like the tightened up version. Well crafted!
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Both old and new ~~ delightful poetry! I love the original prompt “If you could imagine day” ~ so many places to ‘run with it.’
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You have a beautiful nightscape in that jar!
The original is a little concise (not that it’s bad) but the rewrite gives us more details and colors, giving it an extra “oomph”.
I wrote something like that many years ago, about a view from inside a jar. Now if only i can find that poem. 🙂
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I agree with you about the rewrite. Now find yours!
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dream jar..crystal blue dream holder… whatever you call it.. I want one of those!
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Get in line!
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I like them both, especially lilac feathers in 1 and the moon smiling on in 2, maybe part one and revisted.
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Thanks so much, Colleen!
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Now, with bonus dreaminess. What a beautiful scene.
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Thanks so much!
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